Do Not Dismantle : A Lesson on stain prevention.

Do Not Dismantle : A lesson on stain prevention. (Otherwise known as "You can have fun without any Perl gubbins.")
Now it's been updated! (Last updated 26th January 2000) Visit the new letters page to see what people are saying about the craze of party-poppper mutation. Woo Hoo! We're famous! 'Do Not Dismantle' made the Christmas-eve edition of Need To Know. Breaking News! In a change from the publicised yellow, bitrot is now bovine.

15th December 1999...

Why do party poppers have the warning of 'Do Not Dismantle' on the side? Is this like the 'No user servicable parts inside' sticker that can be found on the back of consumer electronics that have a plethora of user serviceable parts inside? Anyway, as this is a question that has laid heavy on my mind for eons, as undoubtedly it has on your collective minds, today at the Ericsson Christmas meal I decided to find out.

Instructions for removing payload from party popper.

1. Depress cardboard circle on one side, it will pop out of it's mounting groove.
2. Whilst pointing 'dangerous' end of party popper at a colleague, so as not to damage own face in possible hideous accident, insert fingernail under aforementioned cardboad circle, run fingernail around circumference of cardboard circle, and try to prevent cardboard circle falling in to glutenous gravy on plate.
3. Payload of spirally paper streamers will be exposed. Remove with fork.

So, as one can see, there is clearly no inherent danger in removing the payload from a party popper. And, as the Haynes book of lies so rightly says, re-fitting is the reverse of removal.

So why the warning on the side of the party popper? Well, once the 'standard' payload has been removed, the thought of inserting a modified/mutated payload will undoubtedly spring in to one's mind.

So, on my desk I now have three 'genetically modified' party poppers.

One contains a small portion of roast parsnip.
One contains a small portion of diced carrot.
One contains a small portion of diced swede (the vegetable, rather than a person of Scandinavian descent, I hasten to add).

Hence my deduction that the warning is clearly placed on the side of the party popper in order to prevent gravy stains on work clothing.
Field trials are scheduled for later this afternoon.
Tomorrow I will cross a road whilst the green man is flashing. More reports to follow.

The lineup of mutated poppers

From Left To Right : Carrot, Parsnip and Swede

23rd December 1999... Due to many unforseen circumstances, mainly apathy, test firing of the GM party poppers has been postponed until today. However, the troops were getting frisky, and Gunner Whitaker was eager to test fire the devices. So, at aproximately, 12:42pm, the troops assembled in the car park, in order to perform the long-awaited firing of the swede.	Gunner Whitaker displaying his dental prowess.
First to be fired was the parsnip. Taking aim, Gunner Whitaker heroicly pulled the firing string of Popper #1.
The remains of the parsnip landed with a resounding flub, having traveled a distance in excess of 20 cm.
The intrepid Gunner Whitaker then tackled the lofty heights of the carrot. He aimed, he fired, and watched the mould-clad carrot fly majestically through the Warrington air...
And land with a blump having travelled a not considerable distance.
Heartily encouraged by these test firings, Gunner Whitaker then proceeded to the ultimate in vegetable balistics - the swede. Removing the device from it's storage compartment (The 'Team R380s' jacket), he proceeded to fire the swede across the car park, whilst keeping a composed manner which allowed an 'Action Shot' to be taken.
After much processing and image enhancement with Windows Paintbrush, the swede can quite clearly be seen being ejected from the party popper.
The swede traveled an amazing distance, maybe over a metre, before abruptly and suddenly contacting the ground.
Other Stuff... ©1999-2000 Tim Myers. OK - so I used Frontpage Express for this - I was in a hurry, OK? Whaddayagonna do? Mark Whitaker appears courtesy of the Ericsson home for the terminally derranged, Daten Park, Warrington. Mark also inhabits the supremely bovine bitrot.net Your ideas and suggestions as to what else can be projected at supreme velocities from the highly-crafted plastic muzzle of a party popper. Click here for the letters page...
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